Rolling Stone’s comedy issue is on the stands now and if you want to see what’s going on in the world of comedy, it’s an excellent read. The interview is with David Letterman but everyone from Sarah Silverman (has she ever been funny?) to Chris Rock (when has he not been funny?) to Larry David (is he always yelling at someone?) is discussed ad nauseum.

My top picks for late night comedy:

Letterman – I love Dave and have since he had his 10:00 a.m. show out of New York. Lord I’m old. He’s smart and was snarky before it became popular. My all-time favorite moment was when he asked Cher why it took her so long to make an appearance on his show and she replied, “Because you’re an asshole.”

Leno - Loved him as a standup back in the 80’s, hasn’t been funny since and has single-handedly killed The Tonight Show.

Ferguson – Hilarious, the best new voice in comedy. The only guy in late night who writes most of his own material.

Conan – HATE HIM. He was a great writer but is a lousy performer. AND THAT HAIR. Seriously, I can’t believe this dork has a career in front of the camera.

Kimmel – the jury is out on this one.

So Dave is my late night comedy husband. And I would cheat on him with Ferguson.

So who is your favorite late night guy? And why?

CYA next week.

You know that person who goes to parties and can rattle off a bunch of jokes?  That person is really smart. Why bother to write jokes and take your chances when instead you can rattle off someone else’s and score a hit every time? There are many, many times I envy that person. When a standup comic goes to a party and reveals what they do for a living, the first thing people say is “Tell me a joke.” And here’s where I run into trouble.

I don’t know any.

There are entire websites and blogs dedicated to jokes. An endless supply of freebies out there for the taking. I asked a question on this blog a few posts back, if audiences cared whether jokes were stolen or not. Recently I read somewhere online (seriously, the web is too big. It’s making me miss encyclopedias, and how scary is THAT?) Apparently, audiences don’t care. 

I had a comic friend, Larry Amoros, who was possibly one of the best joke writers in the business. The Tonight Show accepts jokes by fax but only if you qualify. To do that, you have to submit a page of jokes that are current, about politics or pop stars or other train wrecks on the radar. When Larry was first asked to submit ONE page, he sent in ten. Needless to say he got the gig. I once used him to help me punch up a book a psychotherapist had hired me to work on. Writing jokes about suicide and manic depression were no problem for Larry. For me, yes.

Larry also knew all the current party jokes which brings me to this story. One day I was on the phone with my boyfriend du jour and he told me this joke:

A man walks into his son’s bedroom and finds his son masturbating.
“Son, if you keep doing that, you’ll go blind.”
“Over here, Dad.”

I did not laugh. That joke is older than Hugh Hefner. It’s what comics call ‘stock.’ Stuff guys at Shriner’s conventions use. As I had just spoken to Larry and he had told me a really funny joke, (which of course I don’t remember) I repeated it to the boyfriend. When I finished HE didn’t laugh.

“What’s the matter with you? That joke was really, really funny.”
“You don’t laugh at my joke, I don’t laugh at yours.”

Apparently I was dating a fifth grader. Months later this same boyfriend and I were driving back from one of my gigs north of Los Angeles. I had a great show and this proved too much for this guy.

“Hey, did you hear the one about a man who walks into his son’s bedroom and finds his son masturbating?”

I said nothing. Maybe I drove into a tree.

“Son, if you keep doing that, you’ll go blind.”
“Over here, Dad.”

I laughed and laughed and laughed. Then I drove into a tree.

CYA this Friday.

Men haven’t cornered the market on being crazy when in love. Women in love are only slightly less annoying than a bee that chases you down the street and forces you to do the crazy arm dance. When they’re in relationships they analyze every move a guy makes.

“He didn’t pay for the movie; what do you think that means?
“He salts his pork; what do you think that means?”
“He stopped calling me; what do you think that means?”

And men and women break up differently, which is very telling. Men will go hunting, or fishing. Basically they kill something. Women go shopping. We’ll go to lunch. Then we get drunk while our girlfriends tell us the stupidest things ever.

“There’s other fish in the sea.”

Thanks, if I’m looking to date some trout that’s the first place I’ll look.

“Out of sight, out of mind.”

Yeah, he went out of my sight and I went out of my mind.

And my personal favorite, “You’re a pretty girl, you’ll find someone else.”

What do they say to unattractive women? “You’re an ugly girl. You’re fucked” ? 

Why don’t our girlfriends just tell us what we want to hear? “Let’s get guns and go to his house.”

Men get really gypped when they get engaged. They give us a big diamond ring and we give them nothing. Can you imagine if tradition allowed that the guy got something expensive and the woman got nothing? OH. MY. GOD. That customwoud have been overturned in year two of the practice.

I think we’d like to get men something that means as much to them as a diamond means to us but we don’t know where to find 19 year old virgins who understand football. And once men get married I really feel sorry for them. If their wife is down on her knees after marriage she’s just waxing the floors.

And now for the winners of this week’s giveaway. I was very disappointed to see only 6 entries in this contest. Does this mean the majority of you UNDERSTAND relationships and men and women? If so, it might be time for you to record an album and clue the rest of us in!

Sooooo, congratulations Merecat! Beckie! Kathi! Send me your snail mails (my email is on my blog) and Uproar will get this very funny CD out to you. And to everyone else, there are more giveaways in the future so check back often. Or else!

CYA next week.

The best relationship I ever had was with a man who ended up marrying someone else. Which means I remember all the others with nothing less than a shudder and a handful of Xanax.

I feel sorry for people who have only had one or two partners before they get married, and by people I mean women. I know so many who only had a few boyfriends before they tied the knot. I don’t believe men are this stupid. And if they are, their name is John Edwards and they had to cheat on their cancer-riddled wife with another woman who did NOT have his baby but nevertheless needs $15,000 a month to live on but who doesn’t and what were we talking about again?

Thankfully people are marrying later in life and have a chance to try on a few before they ring it up at the cash register. Although all sales are not final <cough> Pam Anderson.

Having been engaged three times, I highly recommend it. You have time to find out that sometimes you’re brain dead. One of the men accused me of having penis envy and I said, “You’re right. But not for yours.” I caught another one pushing my dog. My five pound dog.
“Hey! Cut that out.” I yelled.
“Well, he pushed me first.”

I ran into one of my ex-fiancés and he was with his new girlfriend. They had just returned from rehab and I was so mad because this guy never took me anywhere.  One of the exes dumped me but I thought, ‘Who needs him? There are plenty more where he came from.’ And then I realized that’s the problem. There are plenty more where he came from. Ultimately, I don’t think people should break up. I think the man should just die.

I have a tip for all you women out there. If you want to turn a man on, just say these six magic words: Tell me more about yourself.

The symbol for love is an arrow through the heart. I can’t imagine how they came up with that.

Uproar is giving away three CDs of Comedians’ Guide to Women, Love & Relationships starring Dana Gould, Steve McGrew, Alonzo Bodden, and Jeff Wayne. All the guys are funny but Alonzo and McGrew really knock it out of the park. So  leave a comment below and you may be chosen. Winners announced on Friday.

CYA this Friday.

A few comments on my last post were directed at the recent Comedy Central roast of Bob Saget and what I thought of it.

First of all, there is no one nicer in this business than Saget. Back in the 90’s he and I were part of a read-through for Les Moonves, former head of CBS. It was for a Rita Rudner sitcom and also featured Estelle Parsons among other Hollywood heavyweights. Last year I invited Bob to the Because We’re Not Dead Yet Party but he was on the road and couldn’t make it. A few months later, after these two brief run-ins with him, I emailed and asked for an interview for my blog and he graciously agreed. If I email him, he unfailingly writes me back within the hour. My friends don’t even do that. Needless to say Bob has made an impression on me because of his kindness. Maybe I should ask him for money.

Back to the roast. I’m personally not a fan of them. I think they’re an exercise in viciousness and no one can be more vicious than a comic. Freud thought humor was repression of other emotions, notably anger. I agree.

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts were much funnier because they weren’t mean-spirited, except for Don Rickles, and didn’t attack one’s sexuality. They were also edited for primetime so anything really lowbrow went under the radar. Ditto for the old Friar’s Club Roasts, which were sacred yet profane. And not on TV unless they were edited. But now it’s open season on everyone and the nastier you are, the better. That much more more venom is being directed at Comedy Central’s main demographic, young males, and they in turn are passing this legacy on. Tragic.

Bob Saget’s roast constantly called into play the ‘fuckability’ of certain comics on the dais, which was really just celebrities in chairs. Peoples’ sexual preference also got called into question over and over. Through the magic of editing audience cutaways are usually not a reflection of what a comic is saying. They will often pair up a bad joke with a cutaway of an audience roaring while you sit there and go, “That wasn’t even funny.” They managed to pair up a dour-faced comic with the cruelest jokes being told about them. Susie Essman got the worst of it while Saget himself complained that the jokes about the Olsen Twins really upset him.

But nowadays it’s okay to savage people outright in the name of comedy. It’s the reason most people refuse to sit up front in a comedy club anymore. And who can blame them?

CYA next week.

I got a call from a Canadian booker I’ve worked with for years. They’re hiring for a benefit for a women’s shelter on October 9th  and since there are only six female comics in Canada they asked for me and for another recommendation. As with all corporate jobs, before they ask how much money you want, or how much they’re willing to pay, they emphasize that you have to be clean. They always add in the adjective “Squeaky” which always makes me want to ask, “As in Fromme?” Which always reminds me of my big mouth and the unemployment office.

The gig pays a lot and as I sat trying to figure out how many clean female comics I knew, I came up with two and one was a guess. Much like free concert tickets on a radio giveaway, the first one to call me got the gig.

When I started doing standup I was considered a dirty comic although I didn’t think I was. Adding the F word wasn’t what I thought made a comedian dirty. There were word substitutions for body parts that I didn’t say. Comedian Angela Scott once told me that I was a dichotomy. My blond hair and little dresses made me look like the girl next door. Then I opened my mouth. The problem with being dirty is that you have a short shelf life as a comedian. As you age, which mercifully I am NOT, your options run to cruise ships, corporate jobs and special events. All clean venues. As in many jobs, there are pesky newbies working for cheap and comedy clubs use them to save money. I’ve worked for 24 years. Nowadays if comics can get 10 years of work, it’s a miracle. Life is just moving too fast although I prefer to think I’m just THAT FUNNY.

So imagine my surprise when I moved to LA and discovered other women in my sub-species. It was like finding George Clooney hiding under my covers. (Which could happen so just shut it).

The Raunchiest Women of Comedy stars four women I know. I started with Carole Montgomery in New York. Sheila Kay and I had the same agent here in LA and I knew Felicia Michaels because she and the MC of this event, Andrea Abbate, were at the LA clubs with me. I listened to their CD over the weekend and someone needs to have a wedding shower and play this for their drunken friends. The only joke I can quote here is one of Sheila’s, “Men like to do it doggy style because they need someplace to put their beer while they watch the game.” There is some very funny shit on this album.

My mother, a French woman who is all things annoying just by virtue of being French, used to howl at Sheila whenever we played the Improv. I once asked her if she didn’t think Sheila was too dirty and Mom said, “Yes, but zhat eez what makes ‘er so fun’ny.”

Ahhhhhh, zeeee French.

So tell me, does it bother you to see a dirty male or female comic?

CYA this Friday.

Aug. 9) - Bernie Mac, the actor and comedian who teamed up in the casino heist caper “Ocean’s Eleven” and gained a prestigious Peabody Award for his sitcom “The Bernie Mac Show,” died Saturday at age 50.

“Actor/comedian Bernie Mac passed away this morning from complications due to pneumonia in a Chicago area hospital,” his publicist, Danica Smith, said in a statement from Los Angeles.

She said no other details were available and asked that his family’s privacy be respected.

The comedian suffered from sarcoidosis, an inflammatory lung disease that produces tiny lumps of cells in the body’s organs, but had said the condition went into remission in 2005. He recently was hospitalized and treated for pneumonia, which his publicist said was not related to the disease.

Recently, Mac’s brand of comedy caught him flack when he was heckled during a surprise appearance at a July fundraiser for Democratic presidential candidate and fellow Chicagoan Barack Obama. Toward the end of a 10-minute standup routine, Mac joked about menopause, sexual infidelity and promiscuity, and used occasional crude language. The performance earned him a rebuke from Obama’s campaign.

But despite controversy or difficulties, in his words, Mac was always a performer.

“Wherever I am, I have to play,” he said in 2002. “I have to put on a good show.”

Mac worked his way to Hollywood success from an impoverished upbringing on Chicago’s South Side. He began doing standup as a child, and his film career started with a small role as a club doorman in the Damon Wayans comedy “Mo’ Money” in 1992. In 1996, he appeared in the Spike Lee drama “Get on the Bus.”

He was one of “The Original Kings of Comedy” in the 2000 documentary of that title that brought a new generation of black standup comedy stars to a wider audience.

“The majority of his core fan base will remember that when they paid their money to see Bernie Mac … he gave them their money’s worth,” Steve Harvey, one of his co-stars in “Original Kings,” told CNN on Saturday.

Mac went on to star in the hugely popular “Ocean’s Eleven” franchise with Brad Pitt and George Clooney.

His turn with Ashton Kutcher in 2005’s “Guess Who” topped the box office. It was a comedy remake of the classic Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn drama “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?” - with Mac as the black dad who’s shocked that his daughter is marrying a white man.

Mac also had starring roles in “Bad Santa,” “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle” and “Transformers.”

In the late 1990s, he had a recurring role in “Moesha,” the UPN network comedy starring pop star Brandy.

The comedian drew critical and popular acclaim with his Fox television series “The Bernie Mac Show,” which aired more than 100 episodes from 2001 to 2006. The series about a man’s adventures raising his sister’s three children, won a Peabody Award in 2002. At the time, judges wrote they chose the sitcom for transcending “race and class while lifting viewers with laughter, compassion - and cool.” The show garnered Golden Globe and Emmy nominations for Mac.

“But television handcuffs you, man,” he said in a 2001 Associated Press interview. “Now everyone telling me what I CAN’T do, what I CAN say, what I SHOULD do, and asking, `Are blacks gonna be mad at you? Are whites gonna accept you?”‘

He also was nominated for a Grammy award for best comedy album in 2001 along with his “The Original Kings of Comedy” co-stars, Harvey, D.L. Hughley and Cedric The Entertainer.

Chicago music producer Carolyn Albritton said she was Bernie Mac’s first manager, having met him in 1991 at Chicago’s Cotton Club where she hosted an open-mike night. He was an immediate hit, Albritton said Saturday, and he asked her to help guide his career.

“From very early on I thought he was destined for success,” Albritton said. “He never lost track of where he came from, and he’d often use real life experiences, his family, his friends, in his routine. After he made it, he stayed a very humble man. His family was the most important thing in the world to him.”

In 2007, Mac told David Letterman on CBS’ “Late Show” that he planned to retire soon.

“I’m going to still do my producing, my films, but I want to enjoy my life a little bit,” Mac told Letterman. “I missed a lot of things, you know. I was a street performer for two years. I went into clubs in 1977.”

Mac was born Bernard Jeffrey McCullough on Oct. 5, 1957, in Chicago. He grew up on the city’s South Side, living with his mother and grandparents. His grandfather was the deacon of a Baptist church.

In his 2004 memoir, “Maybe You Never Cry Again,” Mac wrote about having a poor childhood - eating bologna for dinner - and a strict, no-nonsense upbringing.

“I came from a place where there wasn’t a lot of joy,” Mac told the AP in 2001. “I decided to try to make other people laugh when there wasn’t a lot of things to laugh about.”

Mac’s mother died of cancer when he was 16. In his book, Mac said she was a support for him and told him he would surprise everyone when he grew up.
“Woman believed in me,” he wrote. “She believed in me long before I believed.”

Associated Press writers Daniel J. Yovich, Caryn Rousseau and Carla K. Johnson also contributed to this report.

2008 AOL LLC. All Rights Reserved.
2008-08-09 09:30:08

Heidi, Surcie and Jami. Congratulations!

Go to my site to get my email off my profile and send me your snail mails and I’ll send them to Uproar.

You will NOT be disappointed with this CD. The more I listen to it, the more I miss him. He was the comic that all the rest of us aspired to be. Clever, prolific and just hilarious.

There are two kinds of comics, ones who are great writers and ones who are great performers. It’s hard to find a comedian who is both.

Richard Jeni was both.

CYA next week.

Look at what Uproar is giving away to three lucky commenters! One of the funniest CD’s ever, Richard Jeni, Greatest Hits.

Even though this isn’t on the CD, Jaws 4 is one of Richard’s signature bits so listen up!

Those of you who are regular readers of mine know I was a friend of Richard’s and sadly reported on his memorial service here in Hollywood last year. Because of his death, comics decided to have a party called Because We’re Not Dead Yet, in honor of the fact that we only seem to get together when one of our own passes. It was held at Elayne Boosler’s house and in true comic fashion, we still haven’t gotten it together for this year. If you know comics, you know this is EXACTLY how we roll.

Contest is open until Midnight Thursday. Three winners will be announced this Friday so CYA then.

Do you care if a comedian steals jokes? Obviously comedians care, but do audiences?

When I started comedy around the time of Stonehenge, we had tattle tales that went right up to comics and said, “Don’t do that joke, it belongs to so and so.” Sometimes it worked; sometimes it didn’t. Many NY comics tried to convince me that a standup named Jeff Stilson had stolen one of my jokes. He had just moved to NY from the Pacific Northwest and as he was a gifted writer, immediately got stage time at all the big New York Clubs. This was my joke:

I’ve never been married but I have had a similar experience. I was once hit by a car and left by the side of the road for dead.

This was Jeff’s:

I’ve never been married but I was in a car crash once.

To me it just sounded like parallel thinking. Jeff didn’t even know who I was, much less any of my jokes. One night I was being reviewed by the New York Post and Jeff was on in front of me. He did his joke. I went to the booker and told her the situation. She told me not to do mine as it would look bad, like I had stolen it. I didn’t do the joke.

A few months later Jeff and I were on the same bill in Niagara Falls. I knew I had to take my joke out since he was the headliner and had to follow me. I wasn’t thrilled about it but ethically, it was the right thing to do. He came to me before the first show and said “I heard we do similar jokes and someone told me what yours was and I’m taking mine out and won’t do it anymore.” Jeff went on to win an Emmy for writing on Letterman and I went on to win yet one more loser in The Boyfriend Sweepstakes. But my joke was better.

Robin Williams stealing material back in the 70’s and 80’s is legendary. The title Reality, What a Concept, was part of a comic named Steven Pearl’s act. But Robin at least paid off the people he stole from. Once he was caught, tracked down and had a lawyer held to his head. Eventually he stopped going into clubs because in NY, no comic would go on stage while he was in the room. Now Carlos Mencia appears to have picked up the crown with Dane Cook vying for honorable mention. Look at this youtube of Demetri Martin v Dane Cook. You be the judge. 

Do you think the jokes are:

A. Similar?
B. The exact same?
C. Parallel thinking?
D. Totally different?

One night in 1988 I heard a comic do one of Seinfeld’s jokes on TV and the next night at Catch A Rising Star I mentioned it to him. I asked him what he was going to do about it and he replied “Write more jokes.”

Next Tuesday! Having a contest to give away THREE free CD’s!

CYA then.